youve choked your chicken with your arm asleep and acted like it was some1 else right?
she just announced that once she was paid to deep throat a light saber with a mint flavored condom on it. i'm speechless.
would he be offended if i told him that "national coming out day" is october 11. thats subtle enough right?
I'm sober enough to realize she looks like a man, but drunk enough to do it anyways
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currently shading my boobs to make it look like i have mass cleavage...thanks art school
I met this girl the other day and found out her boyfriend is a helicopter pilot. How the fuck do you compete with that.
Doing a circuit workout and using a power hour playlist for my 1 minute timers. I am getting old. creative, but old.
We are planning a drunk snapchat treasure hunt for tomorrow, and the treasure is his penis, this is a game I'm not willing to loose.
2 things: 1) can you get hep from toilet water? And 2) do you know where we can get a new skillet for cheap?
Please tell me those aren't related.
I made rice.
Woman Posts Harassing DMs From Creep Online, Now He’s Upset Because People Told His Mom
Was Mr. ROBOT good? I missed it. I just fucked dental hygienist on the trampoline in my backyard
It's okay that we broke up and all but it's not okay that he still has my Chick-fil-A calendar card. This month is free fries!
Things were going really well until his cousin showed up. She told him I look kind of like his mom, which started a ten-minute debate on my and his mother's specific features, and ultimately, who is prettier. Guess who my date picked.
Mom said it is up to us to plan Thanksgiving. Hooters or Scores?
Or???
This is why you arnt allowed in pet stores
I'm glad I didn't see Grandma stumbling drunk and peeing herself...it would be like seeing my future.
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