He grabbed onto my boobs while slipping on ice then proceeded to drag me down with him I'm not predicting head in his future
there was a trail of blood coming out of one of the bathroom stalls. thought of you
remind me again why lemons and alcohol in the crock pot is a bad idea?
I was passed out in a dog food bowl tor two hours. Just tapped my dinner beer. I love homecoming.
Is it possibile to sprain your taint?
She was that bad?
Apparently I'm not allowed to call at 3am anymore and ask to speak to all his siblings. I was just trying to get to know the family
My new roommate just announced that she got her period, popped a percoset, smoked a bowl, and started playing a video game. She says she's not moving till it's over. New hero?
When you put my balls in your mouth i just want to buy you expensive gifts...you know what i mean?
So his shoes are still here. And there are three contacts in a case. And a shirt on the bed. I've checked my dorm and he's not here. I'm so confused.
He caught a cramp during sex and I was like "do you want me to get you a banana?" And he responded with "I'll give you a banana" and kept going. I'm marrying him.
Remind me to talk to you about nipple clamps.
I am texting my fuck buddy about fucking tonight, while facebook chatting with his wife about food.
I'd give my right arm to start my period. My right arm. Thats more significant then my left.
So drinking that old rum that I found in the ceiling of my dorm was prob not my best idea. But good news: my puke was so colorful b/c of all the skittles i ate
Ever try to swallow something and have it go up into your nose instead? Yeah, I just sneezed bacon.
Randomize
