conclusion of the day: americans need to get on tredmills, people need to learn how to flush toliets and learn how to pee in then instead of on them, and waiters shouldnt tell their life stories to customers.
Is it bad that Pitbull has taught me more Spanish than high school did?
Last night drunk me texted a sure to be hungover me my class schedule and locations for today. I'm like a mom preparing her child for the first day of school
the last thing i remember was trying to convince him to call over his girlfriend so we could have a threesome
why is my clorox wipe dispenser full of tortillas?
I asked my mom if I was the drunkest one in the room. With 8 days till I go back to school, I couldn't care less about being shitfaced at a baptism
I am at 2.05 miles in under 11 minutes. So either this thing is broke or I should always work out wasted.
We decided to cut you off after you insisted on eating peanuts by the dumpster
We left around 4am, just after you laid down on your front lawn to take a piss. After 15 mins I said "dude are you still peeing?" you replied "Nope, just laying here with my dick out."
Then this bride walked into the bar, she thought it would be a good idea to hug her & then she started playing parachute with her train.
We did a lot of coke and Bedazzled the couch. It seemed like a good idea at the time.
I Pavlov-trained him by smacking him in the nuts anytime I caught him looking at another girl in public. To this day, he's afraid to break eye contact with me in a restaurant if a tall busty blonde walks in.
He sent a video of him jacking off....class will be awkward tomorrow
I don't get it. Why have babies when you can have vodka?
Last night this creepy guy asked me my name and I told him it was Jaundice and he called me that all night
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