Mario Lopez is the poor mans Ryan Seacrest
in the morning i found her name, number and address on one of the empty pizza boxes. also said "ps. if you find my shoes please mail to me."
If a "boob" guy and an "ass" guy are discussing which you are better qualified for....just let them
you kept yelling "this bitch stole my phone" to the guy who found you passed out in the parking lot
Also, we just got yelled at by a cop for being awesome...or making out in a fountain. Whatever.
All I know is she walked in crying with a bag of limes and a bottle of tequila and has been locked in her room blasting lil wayne ever since.
If kinky sex was an Olympic sport they would be playing the anthem for me as we speak.
You don't realize it's a small world until your ex girlfriend's dad unintentionally messages you on grindr..what.the.fuck.
Saying you need a hooker then asking me to have sex is NOT the way to get laid. Booty call 101.
I think I almost ran over some kid I went to high school with. Guilt factor: moderate to low.
There were containers of weed in the piñata. How much more Colorado does it get
He told me I had smoking hot areolas then he wins an executive of the year award. How does that even happen?
So unofficially, he told me he deleted tinder because of me. I think that's a pretty romantic gesture in 2018.
I want to be her friend more than I want to fuck her boyfriend.
I can’t tonight. I’ve got to see about a penis
Randomize
