Some man just said he would jack off to my hair color.
you better believe me or I'll punch you in the face
i took an adderall last night to write a paper. i ended up watching 7 hours of roseanne and couldn't look away
If I die tonight, I want you to know that your sister is awesome in bed
are you just going to ignore any texts involving my penis from now on? because thats going to shut down a pretty sizeable portion of our conversations.
no, i'm currently making the trek across campus to get all my stuff from last night. My ID is in one guys bed, and my camera in another guy's bed.
just cockblocked my boss's 17 year old son at the Christmas party
I'm in the "I'd rather have Carbs than Dick phase" part of my Life right now. YOU tell me how much Skinny Sex I'm having.
After we were finished she said "That was like marriage sex". Should I take that as a compliment or insult?
And I was chasing apple pie moonshine (provided by cops) with bud light limeys. In a golf cart, wearing a tiara.
My pubes were yanked out by the root when they got caught in the condom. I think it's time for a bikini wax.
STOP WHATEVER YOU ARE DOING AND GO OUTSIDE RIGHT NOW. THE MOON LOOKS LIKE CATWOMAN
Curdled. you forgot that word. It was a curdled buttery nipple shot.
He was pretty bad, I wanted pizza the whole time.
Thanks to you I just drunkenly spot washed a Star Wars hoodie, at midnight on a Friday. If there is a greater level of nerdiness I do not know of its existence
Randomize
