How come I'm the only one who's around when people show up? I had just taken a shit, I wasn't wearing pants, phantom of the opera was playing and the fridge said PENIS.
A horse told me not to drive home last night. I think there was a cop on top of it.
This is so pathetic it makes me miss snorting lines alone in my room listening to 'one more drink'.
They don't exactly give out small business loans to start-up dealers
I feel like after that many guys, all of the water in your body is just replaced with pure jizz, honestly.
I gotta figure out which 7 tampons in the box contains the drugs
I THINK I JUST JOINED A GANG. PLEASE PICK ME UP.
He ate shrooms at 9:30, said, "see you later," and left. I am alone on New Years.
Is it socially acceptable to be blind drunk at half five on a Monday afternoon?
Which pub are you in?
Bar selfie Saturday turned into bar nudie Saturday in a hurry. I need to delete my snapchat...
He said I was really mad at him on Friday. Dude I fell asleep in all my clothes and shoes, with my flashlight on, on my phone... I could have been mad at the wall. It wasn't my classiest day.
How hard do you think it would be to make a drinking game out of a Slip-N-Slide? Asking for a friend.
He literally had a Trump sign in his front yard. I just can't now.
I'm wearing jeans from 7th grade and drinking a fucking macchiato. This better be a good day.
You laid on the floor and pet their rug. and then demanded Voss water.
Randomize
