Then we started crawling around on the floor because we couldn't get up so decided to be tigers instead. Gotta love power hour.
Its a sad day when your bush has a better set of hair than you do
After a valiant attempt at golf, I think it's time for Tiger to go back to doing what he does best- having sex w/ blond, white women.
My bra broke.... so I Macguyvered that shit together with floss
so i gave him head in the movie theater last night. thought we were alone til I heard the clapping from the other side of the theater after he'd finished.
hey girl hope you're alright, you hit that tree really hard. have a good night.
She's the one that asked you what my favorite color was & handed you a piece of bacon
Dude. Cab ride home consisted of me making out with an Asian girl sitting next to my Dad
When I picked you up, you were drinking Maker's Mark out of the bottle with a crazy straw.
I broke her handcuffs. I feel like an animal.
His mom said he was in the ER and asked for prayers and positive thoughts. Apparently, me wishing the clap on him is not what she had in mind.
You're gonna be sprawled out basking in the sun working on your tan like a ridiculously hot iguana, and I'm gonna be here bundled up in about 72 layers just so I don't freeze my dick off looking like the Michelin man's gay cousin
i apologize, I may have called you an iguana
Mistakes were made
I just had to explain why I ate a whole quart of mac and cheese before 8am. Not a good start to the day
Tonight I learned to never try to impress your ex by dancing on the stripper pole while drunk. That’s how you end up in the ER
Apparently I repeatedly thanked the paramedic for saving the "happy new year" beads i was wearing. that bad.
Randomize
