The worst thing that has ever happened to me happened today. I was taking donations at goodwill and someone donated a clearly used vibrator
I wasn't sure if "you're even prettier in the dark" was a compliment. Hmm.
we did rock-paper-scissors to see who would find out if you had alcohol poisoning
This is the last weekend of getting drunk and having sex all nite with the plumber. I'm exhausted all weekend and I'm never going to finish the remodel at this rate
come to Starbucks. I'm the fat girl eating a whole pizza sitting on the ground
Is everything ok? Last time I missed your call you were being arrested.
So coach him. No guy wants to admit being unsure of something in bed. It's a man-law or something.
you know it's a good party when the fucking floor caves in. THE FUCKING FLOOR.
I walk in and my roomie is fucking her bf while wearing lingerie and minnie mouse ears. Right in the childhood.
I smoked then listened to a voicemail from my mom...I ended up yelling at my phone cause she wasn't answering me. Forgot it was a recording.
You really need to not quote Anchorman while I'm giving you a serious blowjob.
so apparently over the course of the night my roommate and i had sex in exactly the same spot. ps the downstairs sink needs cleaning.
You were licking skittles to check if they were "halucinateizers" so no, you are not leaving the house while on antibiotics.
I texted him: “Come over for the Super Bowl. I promise lots of scoring.”
My divorce is turning into a porn script
this is the 3rd time this week I've gone to the liquor store to stock up for the next 2 weeks
Randomize
