Those motion detector trash cans don't work fast enough to catch puke.
Found a cheerleading trophy in my shower this morning. Explain.
You were walking around with a baby carrier pretending your vodka was a baby. You tried to get pictures on santas lap
So he texted me two hours ago to tell me he just took two hits of acid. Now he's asking me if it's possible for a house to breathe.
We get an extra hour of sleep. That means we can take an extra shot tonight. Sound logic. Thank you daylight savings.
Well he walked in last night, yelled at me for not playing any music and started dancing.
Officially conquered sex on my couch with my dad asleep in the next room
I like how you say "conquered" as if that was your sole mission in life
Hahaha idk what's worse your life or my hangover.
He is getting married. In the time it took for this conversation he probably cheated on her three times
WHY THE FUCK IS MY BATH TUB FILLED WITH MUD?!
1. You were drunk 2. You wanted a mud bath\n3. We tried to talk you out of it, but you kept throwing dirt at us
Funny how I'm trusting a magic 8 ball I found in the kids toy section to tell me about my sex life
I climbed out of the shower to him sitting on the floor trimming his pubes with nail clippers, we both just started laughing at how drunk we were
I heard from the downstairs bathroom "WHY CAN'T I WIPE MY ASS IN PEACE!" and a pisscrate of glass bottles breaking
Fucked him in his sketchy van in the Applebee's parking lot. In other news, my dry spell is over.
it was a hallmark card with butt plugs.
Randomize
