just threw up while drinking by myself. This is all your fault. You here = a good night, You not here = alcoholism
quick I need to know all the foods that the very hungry caterpillar ate
I am in the checkout line at the dollar store and there is a guy in front of me holding a pregnancy test, a chocolate bar, and fake roses. Champion.
i feel like god sat there all night pointing and laughing at me
It was a sobriety test blowjob. If he could get it up, he could get me home.
Oh. And what's the twitter protocol for following the guy you blew behind a shed?
we got cut off at 8 am. He spilled his drink three times on the plane. this should be one hell of a vegas trip
Can we put your name for the shipping address for penis ice luge?
She dresses cool and she's mean. And she has fake boobs I feel like I can relate to her on so many levels.
there's a girl on facebook trying to buy me a pizza. I can't say no... right?
There is a BIG difference between doing coke and getting peed on and getting peed on FOR coke
I'm drunk enough to know I'm texting you and sober enough to know what I'm saying to you
HE'S LIKE A GREEK GOD BUT HE'S FROM BOSTON. HE'S A BOSTON GOD
pray to him
I WANNA PRAY ON HIS DICK
As of right now, my vibrator and a bag of snickers share the same drawer
the weird part wasn't waking up in someone else's underwear, it was how the cat was staring at me like he knew more about last night then i remembered.
Randomize
