Multitasking record: pooping whilst putting on shoes and cleaning ear with q-tip. All while texting.
Update: fell off toilet, one shoe on, q-tip still in ear. Not a pro.
the guy in front of me just bought a pound of bacon, a bouquet, and a case of budlight, i want to see THAT makeup sex
Just saw a girl trying to crack an egg with her butt cheeks. I think I know what we're doing thursday night.
She better not be too drunk to operate a blowtorch
Hey so I just want to get straight to the point it was me who ate the last cupcake and it was your sister who I fucked last nigt
I'm trying to pinpoint the moment when "don't do anything I wouldn't do" became bad advise.
Its not gay if you're best friends and there's less than an inch of dick in the picture. That's where the line is drawn
I am about to embark upon a south Boston wedding....
Hydrate.
I'll be home next weekend. Its mothers day. Let's party just enough so we are frightened it might be our first
Being sober is boring. Tomorrow I'm def bringing wine and my vibrator to work. Might even booty call that hot guy on floor 5. Making the last week at this job legendary.
You woke up butt naked, peed yourself said something about jumbo shrimp, and passed back out 10 seconds ltr..
You drunkenly said something along the lines of "move forever" to the lady standing in your way. Needless to say you had too many mimosas at breakfast.
Come camping we have xanax and steaks
You WHAT?!?!
Paid. A. Homeless. Guy. To. Throw. A. Drink. In. Her. Face.
I fucking love you.
Why can't he see that I don't want a slow getting to know you period? I just want to bone. NOW.
Randomize
