Totally smoking with fifteen year olds.
Woke up in a pool of alcohol sweat. Probably could wring out my sheets and make a decent cocktail.
I feel like one of those toads that you lick to get high or find a prince.... cept when you lick me you find a drunk whore.
I saw Winona at my church today. She has boobs, now.
Miracles do happen.
Just realized I left my heels in their microwave. Whoops.
Wow way to turn my death into an oppurtunity to get laid
Hey, you can't rush the perfect creeper shot. I need buffer time to hone my skills.
I just woke up on an unfamiliar floor, my shoes are gone, my suits covered in red lipstick and chocolate, and Im wearing sunglasses that say "Maid of Honor".God damnit I love this country.
Although now I have "number of cheese slices" as a unit of boob measurement in my head.
She had sex with a starfish painted on her face. Thank you Halloween
You are in a fancy European city. The best way to truly experience the city is through Tinder
oh you can't commit, don't have any real ambitions, and love to drink PBR? well.... sign me up!
Ccatlin cimbing thru th sunroof plz come
It's slightly odd going to a booty call during morning rush hour with everyone else going to work.
Never underestimate the power of titties
I dont understand why i cant be a wizard
Randomize
