reasons why jon gosselin is probably ur biological father: 1. ur half asian 2. hes everyones biological father 3. u wear ed hardy
sounds legit
like when he blacked out and we found him in the garden eating your tomatoes off the vine
Why is there an appointment in my calandar called "get the fuck to the bus" at 3 am june 19th?
i honestly don't know why someone didn't cut me off after i broke the ceiling lamp with MY HEAD
Just spent 15 minutes trying to save the life of a fruit fly that dive-bombed my coffee. I figured it doesn't make sense to let two souls die in this place...
You'd be surprised at the stuff my vagina tells my brain to say
They make twin pack pregnancy tests for girls like us
I caught her walking around with a fake mustache, wearing a sombrero and holding an empty carton of milk. She's a hopeless cause.
He taught me where the gears in a five speed are with his penis.
I'm giving great sideboob & it's being wasted on my parents.
You don't know commitment until you try and waterproof a non-waterproof vibrator
Last night you snap chatted some chick a pic of bottle service with the caption "send tits"
I don't think I'm gonna survive today. I don't remember how to walk. I must crawl 6 blocks to my bed.
ALSO I MAYBE ACCIDENTALLY HAND CUFFED MYSELF TO A CHAIR
Fuck you, i'm all jacked up on bananas lets go somewhere
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