Im gonna name my vag after egypt, "the valley of kings"
Im at a party and this guy hitting on me just showed me his 'caution choking hazard' tattoo right above his penis. There goes any chance he had of getting laid tonight.
Totally about to meet up with Ryan in an empty parking lot. Expect to fuck him. Yes I know it's 3am. Slutty? Possibly. Excited? Damn right.
It' a whole new level of walk of shame. I'm carrying his sheets since I have a washer/dryer.
Hey, can you come over and kill me real quick
To be honest i'm almost glad he got arrested. His girlfriend and i kept making out so i'm pretty sure the alternative was a threesome. Now we're just the trashy girls who visit him in jail.
I like to balance the number of cups of coffee to bong rips in the morning before work.
Just got a message on OkCupid from a 20-year-old who has "Momma's Boy" tattoed across his chest and thinks the earth is bigger than the sun.
Medically speaking as your gynecologist and your girlfriend, that is not a rash.
And we're breaking up
The lady at walmart just said she is so happy im still alive....Was i that drunk on the 4th? Dont answer that
How do I tell my hairdresser I want a hair style I saw in a porn video?
There's a quesaritto in the oven. Neither of us have been to Taco Bell in 3 weeks.
You thought they were asking for volunteers for a karaoke contest so you jumped up not realizing it was actually a "last 3 minutes boxing match". But you took that right hook like a champ.
Of fucking course I get my period on Valentine's Day...
Remember that Czech tennis player I brought home from beer pong and banged on your couch last year? He just booty calle me. From the Czech Republic.
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