i just saw a woman using her birth control packet as a wallet.
i just told my mom tuesday boozeday rhymes so that she can remember not to text or call me on wednesday mornings
youre going to kill that woman one of these days
At first I was confused when I woke up with shards of glass and pickle brine in my pants. But then I remembered I hung out with you last night.
yeah, its right past the deli mart where i showed my right tit for mozzarella sticks.
What happened to "I wouldnt even touch her with a ten foot pole"?
Her vagina devoured it.
I'll be a little late, "getting ready for the party" turned into "smoking a bowl and doing lines in my room for an hour and a half." But I'm on my way now. With coke. And weed.
Easy Mac is falling out of my sweatshirt as I'm walking down the street.
I still love him regardless of his misguided forays into heterosexuality
Dude I am not desperate enough to pay my dealer in change. Maybe tomorrow.
I wish you could take over my body and feel what my nipple feels like right now
"you can only have my number if you answer all the questions on this trivial pursuit card correctly"
YO CONGRATULATIONS ON YOUR MÉNAGE À TROIS. YOU GO, GLENN COCO
She broke up with me after I spent the whole day speaking in nothing but Marshawn Lynch quotes.
I just turned down a booty call because I'm having a Star Wars movie marathon
you don't need to worry about using proper grammar if you're asking for the size of his dick.
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