yo i stole a wine glass from the ritz but i spilled wine on my hundo dolla shirt
Loo but I'm already drunk TINIGHT! CAPS ATTACK
he told me it was because of the roids, but i couldn't tell if he meant ster or hem.
last night some bitch put bruce along with his entire fishbowl in her purse and tried to leave. how drunk do you have to be to steal someone's pet??
Yeah well I used to see how many bud lights I could slam down during the pledge of allegiance, my record was 4, but I could do better now.
We're about to go to a party titled 'Night of 1000 Jello Shots".
Instead of getting a taxi some gay black guy drove us home. He is trying to break into the taxi business
Way to promote small business.
He autographed my vag. This fuck just got authentic.
I wish you were awake and high the same times I was awake and high. And also in the same state. So we can fuck passionately.
I think the paper my teacher just handed back to me had one of his pubes on it, I'm way too hungover for this
Have you ever felt like autocorrect is judging you with its suggested words? Like how it won't suggest certain words until you type in pretty much the entire word, is it just thinking 'No way did this dude use "consent laws" in the same sentence as "17th?" Or is that just me.
My lease is up and I've been thinking, it's only fair that the guys I've fucked in this apartment in the past year help me move. They enjoyed the bed, now help me move it.
In case I die. I'm in ares truck with a bartender named Dave from chuys. JUST IN CASE. And let the people know my last words were suck my dick. My like literally.
And now, by the power vested in me by the state of intoxication, I now pronounce you fucking awesome.
A cop may or may not have seen my bare ass against the moonlight within the past hour
Randomize
