i hope chris hansen doesn't have a boat
He didnt have condoms & didnt trust himself to pull out. Thats when I knew he was a keeper. So I blew him so he knew I was a keeper too.
True romance of the 21st century.
Ok so I could say "im sorry"...but instead ill just say "unsupervised...jager...military guys...green school bus called the juice box...and HUGE dick"
Were not alcoholics, were just impatient for fridays
Well the streets were closed, so it was okay for me to just lay down for a little bit.
Everything smells like vodka and bologna. WHAT DID YOU DO?
A group of drunk Marines just serenaded me, never leaving this place
Just bought weed from the ice cream man. The kid in front of me got a tootie fruitie.
Me: 10% human, 90% poor drunken life choices.
but I have boobs. I'm not going to buy my own drinks at the bar like some kind of fucking animal.
I'm terrified that I'm going to have a baby with a guy who posts snapchat stories while ignoring my texts
I wouldn't call us friends exactly. Honestly I just hang out with him so I can hit on his girlfriend. They won't last long, and I'll be there to pick up the scraps
As much as my throat was opened up this weekend, you'd think I wouldn't nearly choke on a damn almond.
I woke up naked and surrounded by M&Ms
Are we DOING anything for lunch...if sex is involved, let's just be straight forward and stop wasting the first half hour! We just need to get to the point
Randomize
