apparently, "please pick me up from the airport" also means "i got drunk on the flight and need to give you roadhead in broad daylight"
i was sitting in the back seat of her car with her boyfriend while she was driving. it was pretty awkward, but i dont think "so my dick's been in your girl's mouth too" was a good ice breaker
i was considerably less excited after they told me my present didnt have a penis
the japanese bartender dressed as a cowboy in assless chaps just told me i was too drunk for another shot
When exactly does a bender just become a lifestyle?
The things i do for you...I put all those condoms on a bed, complete with girl, and you sleep in the bathroom
I am trying to take a picture of a man in a wheelchair trying to ship a michael jackson portrait
Is it considered a bad morning to find your boss half naked in the parking lot of work at 7am?
That depends, how hot is your boss?
I want you to know that the guy who peed in your bed got fat.
Just used the "Buddy" Poppy flower I got from a veteran to clean my one hitter. "I'm proud to be an American"
wanna see your best friend chug a bottle of steak sauce?
please go to sleep
MY HISTORY TEACHER IS FUCKING MY MOTHER. I am downstairs and i can hear the squeak of the bedsprings please I swear to god pick me up THIS INSTANT.
i'm in a very strange mood rn i'm listening to bruno mars??? am i ok????
i swear a herd of elephants who like to smoke weed lives directly above our room
Dude. If you guys end up really liking each other, the color of his pubes won't matter. I wouldn't break a sweat.
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