i've been called drunk 4 times today and it's only 3pm
i wish i could tell you the night didnt begin with me drinking alone
I just banged two guys while dressed like an angel. I love this holiday.
I always knew I'd be the first one with an STD
Her mom walked into the garage as we were smoking a kush blunt with sombreros on.
I give you full permission to fuck a rando on my air mattress.
well i mean she can't stop a weed based friendship...its like a trying to stop a bomb or a really fast train...
I took a cab from the club to the grocery store. I needed peanut butter.
My sheer presence has sent the hipsters running in terror. I expect no problems.
you missed 2am bagpipes and my roommate looking hot as fuck in a kilt
You kicked me our in the middle of a blizzard with a dead phone. I had to give my watch to a pizza delivery person to take me home. You owe me a gyro too.
I can't believe just smoked out of a pear
I can't believe you had a pear already made to smoke out of, that was impressive
Listen, you eat the donut. I eat you out. Everybody wins.
Remember how I was complaining about how no guy has ever gotten me off?
Some sorority went “Dick or Treating” at a frat house and now the Halloween parties are canceled
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