Non-Jews are for practice
she thought Martin Luther king was a president at one time. I love knowing I broke up with my ex and this is what he ends up dating.
She was so happy she found her sunglasses, that she blew me. Im now randomly hiding things of hers in hopes she'll find them and I'll get a repeat performance.
I told you I was good to drive
dumbass I drove... you sat in the passengers seat and steered with a paper plate
drunk enough to think that masterbating in the pool is an awesome idea
don't think this is any sort of attachment thing but if I'm going to throw up regularly at your house, I'm going to keep a tooth brush there
wanna get hammered and throw tomatoes at the people standing in line for the midnight showing of harry potter and yell whichcraft is evil
Why is your name written on my hand surrounded by hearts and a bartenders phone number?
Someone just bought me a one liter long island and call me maybe is on. I'm going to die
She's barefoot and topless screaming "HERE KITTY-KITTY" at a stray cat in the ditch on the side of the highway. How do I get her back in the car?
It is officially Christmas time in Chicago. There's a drunk hobo on the CTA singing the first 2 lines of Frosty the Snowman over and over and over.
You asked me if I was judging you for being drunk, and if I can hypnotize you make sober.
He said he was a banker. Then he told me he made 15 an hour. I said he was a shitty banker then fucked his friend.
AND I NEED A VIKING FUNERAL OR MY GHOST ASS WILL SAUNTER ON OVER AND CASTRATE HIM FOR TECHNICALLY MURDERING ME
How was your night?
Fell down a flight of stairs. Went to a sex dungeon. Was approached by a man in a leather harness.
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