I need you to promise me that the first one to find out our kids smoke weed, takes the weed so we can smoke it ourselves
New pre-game routine....wal-mart bathrooms...quality beers for free...hallelujah
I stayed up for an hour trying to make my room stop spinning and then I realized it was bc my fan was on
i dont even feel safe using a push mower...that hungover
you literally pushed me forward in the seat so you could puke behind my back without the cabbie noticing..
Breakfast-of-shame with my mother. I was in half of a sexy Mad Hatter costume. We had artisan bagels and judgement.
So I'm drinking wine and watching Thumbelina
I'm teaching my cat to play fetch
Yep, it's a friday
Then she cat effected the picture of my dick I sent her the other night. I'm in love.
She said we couldnt stop drinking until there were enough bottles to make a fort. so we could have sex in our "bottle castle"
Do you think if I tell the hot Santa at work that I want a sugar daddy for Christmas that he'll get the hint?
You guys wanna start around 10:30 tomorrow?
We can start at 5am for all I care. You ask like I have plans.
you just won the triple crown of sex! your prize is more sex.
I had to say goodbye to one of my fuck buddies last night. He's voting for Trump, we shouldn't be doing it anyways.
I think I recall josh coming in to the room to tuck us in and give us a few condoms and I threw them back all furious and told him 'we don't use those.' Oh god
So I just accidentally joined a bar crawl and got a free shotski of Jameson. I love life.
Randomize
