Amandyke just told me shes gonna make my tongue her cum rag. i'm borderline terrified
I drunkenly recorded an episode of Family Matters last night. I took a shot everytime Carl Winslow had a mustache.
She's not depressed. She's just sober. It's like the same thing.
is wine microwaveable?
I like when I have the chance to say normal things like 'I know her from college' vs 'I did a ton of blow with her one night at Studio B.'
Note for the future: whiskey syrup is AMAZING on 3am pancakes.
University has ruined us all. I just had to clarify the last time I had sex as "No, not at the party we crawled home from in the snow. It was the one where you puked off the balcony and hit the barbecue."
We were all in the pool and he showed up with a pitcher of margarita. Everyone swam over to him. He poured it directly into our mouths like we were a Sea World act.
he's a firefighter. like being a firefighter screams MY DICK IS HUGE SO I'M NOT AFRAID TO DIE IN THIS FIRE.
I'm taking ecstasy it's gonna be that kind of Vegas trip
I air guitared a man's prosthetic leg on the bar to Bruce Springsteen. That's how it's going
There's some random guy here dryhumping my kitchen door. If he is a friend of yours, please come and retrieve him.
I'm standing on the corner in a banana costume and cape with frozen bananas in my utility belt reassessing my life decisions.
I felt like I should've driven him home but I was holding in a fart and just needed him to leave
Your aunt just offered to blow me for a ride home....how did you end up such a prude?
Randomize
