You told me to hold on because you had to barf like a dinosaur.
Watching the 1st game of the world cup. I'll drunk dial you at 8:30 to wake you up for work.
Sun* burn. But that sounds like wait.. Midsentence thought... It would be like swimming in a giant bowl of cereal.. Only I would be cereal. This is brilliant.
Hows that studying goin for you?
I'm in my bathtub in a robe and jeans smoking a bowl and my hair is covered in olive oil
Last night I was this close to hooking up with someone called "Handjob Pat" dubbed for the time he paid $150 for a handjob in Canada.
I feel like I just want to take a shot of jack, have sex, and shoot myself in the face. In that order exactly.
Apparently she broke up w/ her bf like 3 weeks ago. She actually called me to be her bday hookup cause she's single now. Patience- the virtue that occasionally pays off.
Ok she stopped using her fork and knife and is legit eating that steak using her hands.
I fell asleep completely naked, standing up with my arms and head in the freezer
My blue shorts are now brown from all the stripper fake tan
Anytime he goes down on me i automatically think of you cheering me on. Your a good friend.
Do you know how difficult it is to masturbate with Christmas carols stuck in your head?!
I'm going to get drunk, come back, call my grandma, and eat all those scrambled eggs.
I now have scissors specifically made for cutting dicks off.
Whats a little breast milk between friends?
Randomize
