Sex has been so nonexistent lately that when I was masturbating the other day, I actually paused to yawn.
I had a dream you and I were having sex. It was pretty romantic.... until you started pulling out toys.
I just made out with a girl with a life jacket on wtf is going on
I'm at the grocery store buying monistat and corn nuts. thank god for self check out.
Ah, I knew it wouldn't be long before my boobs were introduced into the conversation.
If you're trying to piece together your night, I can tell you where those tassels came from.
I'm soaked in champagne. I'm eating oatmeal from mcdonalds tonight was glorious
You can wear my underwear. It'll be like old times.
Well right but if we go, he may just disappear for a long time into the unknown with the drag queens.
Because it's not worth it. And there is no nice way of saying "sorry, you're not good enough at sex for me to drive 45 mins"
Never in my life did I dream that I would meet and NFL linesman, let alone that he would be standing before me dressed as a Roman centurion and asking for Vaseline.
Right as the plane left the gate the brownies kicked in. I dont think the guy next to me appreciated my engine noises as we took off
It's the third day of class and I got told I smell like a distillery.
I'm sitting in my car avoiding a customer. Apparently the new year hasn't affected my attitude nor work ethic
Security showed up because apparently we were fucking too loud.
As your roommate I can attest that y'all do indeed fuck rather loudly
Randomize
