Life Lesson Number 76: Masturbating into a sock is useless if there is a hole in it.
I just figured I'd let u know that you bought a yacht on ebay last night
A girl just asked me to co-sign for her boob job because she didn't have enough credit built up. This is a first.
Just because you're using the Hipstamatic app for your nude photo taking, it doesn't make your drunken blowjob pics any classier.
We still need to grow old, buy a house, and drink 40's while wearing old people sunglasses, staring at the young studs mowing our lawn.
He did a 4 wheel burnout and yelled at the cops "Sorry! It's for a school project!". HOW does he think of this shit?
We were fucking at break-dick speeds.
Dave got tied up again. I'm done breaking into girls houses to cut him loose. At least before noon.
Dude. It's not even nine. I don't know yet.
Drink number four. Don't even tell me about its not even nine
We tried to make ramen in a glass bowl on the stove. They called facilities to pick the glass out of the door
Any time you can't remember a night, and you wake up in a sorority house, it's fucking worth it.
I should rephrase... I'm trying to not sit on other peoples faces besides my boyfriends.
Yeah. I made eggs in a microwave. I think that's an accomplishment this week, MOM.
no it was not a "magical experience". After we dropped, he just sat there staring at my laptop going "apple makes beautiful things".
If it involves notarization or the Misfits, I am up to date. Anything else, I know fuck-all.