just found a sign outside my brothers door "not going to church, don't even try" and he is covered is vomit in his bed.
I'm cooking a can of baked beans on the baseboard heater. It is too early in the semester to be this poor.
no normal human would even think about making waldo slutty but you
3 girls crying in the bathroom at the bar. Its like a Christmas song
Oh I forgot to tell u. I hit someone with my car in the RiteAid parking lot. More like a nudge.
i woke up wearing her shoes. this night isn't going on my highlight reel
I just got checked out by a paramedic whilst their sirens were on. I'm doing something right
He just asked me if I wanted a ride on the "bologna pony." I never wanna have sex again...
Also was told that I was her "third favourite booty call" - I'm taking this a good thing right?
It's a podium place so yeah...
i woke up soaking wet with shard of glass imbedded in my flesh dangerously close to my dick what happend?!!
BEER BOTTLE SWORD FIGHTHING!!
I ate vegetarian today, so I deserve a beer.That's my justification.
It's like you're the voice of my soul.
When ur uncle gives you free weed, you take it
Put a Santa hat on my junk. He's wants to be festive too.
Cocaine bath bombs are a really bad idea
Lunch date was a success. And you'll be proud- my legs stayed closed.
Randomize
