Dude, I just saw a bird vs. squirrel fight. A car won.
overheard a conversation between 2 lesbians: 'back when I used to have dick sex...' oh, vegas, I so heart you
i'll prob lay in bed. its weird not having to track my wallet down, its become such a weekly habit. i suddenly have so much free time
Well the nurse forgot to take all my stitches out, so my surgical tools are peroxide, kitchen scissors, fingernail clippers, a pocket knife, and 11 beers. Let's do this...
If a vagina could give out awards, you should be preparing an acceptance speech.
He fell on top of me at a party. I slept with him a week later. We've been fucking for 2 moths. Most successful relationship ever.
THE PRUIS IN YOUR DRIVEWAY IS NOT YOURS
excuse me?
I accidentally borrowed your spare keys a while ago...i just tried them...that, my friend, is not your car.
You get 5 min
Your time limits don't scare me, I'll include foreplay and redressing in that 5 min. If you wanted to challenge me you should say you got an hour, id be scared then and more creative.
You sent 2 glasses of water to the table next us and told to the waitress they were on you. I repeat: water
He sent me a pic stitch collage of all the tit pics I had sexted him this month. It was so sweet!
I would like to formally reclaim my title of a turn up queen.
You know you had a good night when your wearing you best friends pants to work the next day
Well you know I have tits so that's half the battle
Just did body shot off a midget. Pretty good start.
Okay she just told me to turn the volume down on the fan. What does this even mean?
Randomize
