If she sees it and stops hooking up w/ me then you owe me
I seriously need to stop naming my lingerie sets after the boys I wear them for. I seriously just asked mom if she put Brett in the dryer
She was really sick last night--but i was too drunk to bring her chicken noodle soup after the bar, so went by taco bell and got her a chicken burrito instead
just overheard a conversation that ended in "and that's what I learned in France" How could that not have been about sex
We stopped her at 12
12 shots? Or 12 midnight?
Which answer would freak you out less
My third nipple is alarmingly under-appreciated.
I would do laundry with you but I vaguely remember swallowing all my quarters last night as some kind of trick.
I pulled some girls weeve trying to pull the stop cord on the bus
At this point if I didn't go to work hungover I think the whole place would think something is wrong
It happened again.
What?
I lost in a drinking contest with my 84 year old grandmother. Two years in a row now.
For Halloween this year I'm going to paint myself in gold, wear a golden toga and sash saying " cunt goddess"
Dude the little bong I just got fits nicely in the cup holder in my car. The gods approve of my habits.
He was so fat that he broke two of my ribs
Maybe it's time to stop screaming I'm a chubby chaser every time you enter a drinking establishment
What is your friends name that I hooked up with? ....I think j found his credit card under my bed
We aren't doing Shrooms tonight bc that would be friendship cheating on you
Randomize
