I'm so drunk that I ordered a root beer at the bar. Whoops?
There's an amish chick decked out in amish clothes on a cell phone staring at me.
Your mom can still drink beer standing on her head! Talk to you tomorrow :)
Mom wtf!?
He told me to pretend to be a shark, and he would slay me with his harpoon cock.
we couldn't afford a big pool so we bought 2 kiddie pools and put the inflatable beer pong table inbetween. get over here. now.
well isn't that the pot calling the kettle a make out whore
Taking shots out of pine wood derby trophiesssssss. best idea ever.
I get credit on the assist, you can thank me by taking a pic of her ass under the covers and sending it to me. It would make my YEAR
That's your penis' name. I've always referred to it as Alejandro secretly.
Im so excited to get permanently banned for life from all the old bars again, it is gonna be christmas after all
"Home for the holidays" isn't clearance to fuck the recently 18 year old high schooler right?
Nope, his last birthday was.
I don't text first unless I'm hammered...so ya I text first a lot
he made a bon jovi sex playlist and started crying when "i'll be there" came on... how was your night?
I'm gonna send you a dick pic now just so your uncomfortable at work
Sex and bbq. He sure knows how to make a girl feel special
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