hot mess party of 2 ur bar is now available
yeah it was kind of like, i'm 27 and still live in a frat house.. you honestly expect me to have "moral fiber" and a "conscience"
I'm sitting next to this guy at the bar. I wrote him a little song in my head it goes "there is no fucking chance you're getting in my pants" gonna sing it to him after he buys me another drink.
We must be getting old. All of our friends are having kids and they aren't illegitimate.
my night ended in me puking all over jenna's bed, then me trying to wash the sheets in the toilet.
im just going to wait until i dont feel like the grim reaper is having sex with me
I need to get my pants from under your porch. People are asking questions.
Duuuude - Drag Queen Bingo wasn't supposed to end like thissss
Fucked Zombie Jesus at a Halloween party. I need Plan B before I give birth to the Antichrist.
For only eating leftover pizza for breakfast today, you sure do have a lot to vomit up...
He sent me a picture of his dick saying "your throne my lady" for my birthday. He knows the way to my heart.
By talk things out did he mean have passionate angry sex?
we're gonna read the declaration of independence and do a shot for every word he doesn't understand.
I'm sorry you had to knock him out on your birthday. But that also means I won the bet that you'd hit someone so you owe me 40. dollars
Never thought I’d use my computer science degree for teledildonics, but here I am
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