I wish facebook had a fuck off button.
I just woke up under a kitchen table with my sandals taped to my feet and a corona bottle taped to my hand..
we were on a sandy mattress. i was wearing a sweatshirt with a poodle on it and eating a whopper jr. i wouldn't have fucked me either.
Hey man your outta milk
How the hell do you keep getting in my apartment?!
You tried telling the RA that girl you brought home was your mom...
girl I've been sleeping with this summer as per her request just gave me a carton of cigs to thank me for my "hospitality". this is good.
He broke the bed, AND shit in the closet. What a way to lose his virginity. What a night.
When we were finished I asked him how long it had been since he'd cum that hard. He thought really hard for a while before telling me his brain forgot how years worked.
You chugged 6 beers in a row and then outed your boss at a party last night.
In the ER with Chelz, I may have broken her ankle during sex. Lovely.
You what they say. One dick in the hand is better than two in the bush
My goal for the weekend: procure a blowjob using only stern glances, hand gestures, and crudely-drawn stick figures.
I stole a tiki torch last night and just returned it. Things have been better.
YOUR TO-DO SEX LIST CANNOT CONSIST ENTIRELY OF MY THREE BEST FRIENDS
and their significant others
AND THEIR SIGNIFICANT OTHERS
I woke up with glitter and eggshells in my bed wtf
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