im sorry i hit your dog last night,,,i didnt even see it
I dont have a dog?
WTF
The guy dancing on me has three visible teeth. WHERE ARE YOU?
omg kevin jonas gave his bride a glass slipper..could he be any gayer then he is now
he is so gay. he makes clay aiken look straight. what is wrong with the lady that married him? kevin must be envious of her balls
she took her bra off and it was like the puppet strings had been dropped. her tits totally deflated.
The bachelorette party was all fun and games until the strippers came. AKA you guys.
I apologize for chief "dances with dolphins" sucking on your friends foot
This is NOT the time to take our hits and go to Disney. Let me repeat that. NOT THE TIME FOR DISNEY ON ACID
Showing up to Easter hungover, late, and covered in black an blues from pole dancing. Daughter of the year.
it's too much effort for something that isn't food.
Last time I was your wingman I had to deal with a girl whose only interest in my body was to clip my toenails. I'm not interested.
Totally thought something squeezed my boob. Then I remembered I was wearing a bra. Isn't weed great?
It was a blast. I was going to say that throwing up in the airport bathroom wasn't classy, but it's classier than quietly puking into a fast food cup while in your seat during takeoff...
Almost ran out to the street bowl in hand when I hear the ice cream truck pull up outside.
Everything about that text makes me proud to be your sister.
One day he'll find out I do drugs and stop talking to me.
What will you do then?
Drugs, probably.
I was trying to decide if i was still high whenever i realized i was pressing the buttons on the microwave cause i liked the sound.
Come over I need help. I just almost died in an acid flashback while listening to do You Feel Like We Do off of the Frampton Comes Alive album.
Randomize
