Why did I cab home last night?
Because you said you were drunk, sad, and someone called you a hooker.
i wanted a birthday blowjob. not a birthday VD.
i hope whoever thought of bagged wine flip cup last night has the same hangover as me. not ok.
we marched down beaver avenue with lit tiki torches humming the olympics opening song.
I've decided to turn your sobriety into a reason for me to be able to drink more.
Its like they don't get that I only talk to them before homecoming, thanksgiving, or any other time I go home. I love highschool girls.
I'll never forget how blunt of a wingman you were. "Excuse me, my friend wants to makeout with someone"
There's glitter in my speakers, piles of cheezits on the floor, a random Audi in the driveway and a homeless dude napping in a lawn chair in the backyard. Wtf happened last night?
Everyone was in jail by 10:30. I'd say it was a successful bachelor party.
Hey douche face I just want you to know, if you ever got hit by a bus, I'd really miss you.
Only if you died obviously.
When you left the bar, you did two cartwheels and a heel click and RAN ALL THE WAY HOME.
I spent the whole ride asking the cabbie if people ever have sex back there, and if he wanted me to make that number one higher.
I blew past the Governor's motorcade going twice the speed limit and DIDN'T get a ticket. God wants me to get laid.
Whatever. I'll take my new fine ass dick sucking nails elsewhere.
I've literally slept one hour I'm honestly just surprised you can insult me this early
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