no but I have been chillin' like em' homeboys in the rainforest yo!
Is my lip ring still in your hair?
I really appreciate you zipping up my pants at the bar. You didn't even ruin my Bermuda triangle.
There's a person in my phone named motor boat. I love making new friends.
Your girlfriend is in jail- I've just never been able to use that in a sentence before. Thank you both!
found a better reason to procrastinate than the usual sunday-don't-give-no-fucks. literally every one of my textbooks is soaked in captain. can't turn a page without gagging.
Look at you go. You're like the Slutty Librarian that Could. They should write children's books about you. Children's books for adults.
I'm resourceful. I forgot we don't have coca cola so now I'm drinking Jack & Dew or Mountain Daniels. Also, I haven't decided on an official name yet for this drink. I'm leaning toward Jack & Dew
He came on my pillow pet. That's unacceptable. I hate boys.
I wish we could all take a bath together. Not in a lesbian way. But in a relaxing drunk in the tub sort of way.
I was just wicked nice to a telemarketer... that's how stoned this woman got me.
I didn't see her "bad karma" tattoo until after I was balls deep
Are you drunk? You left me a voicemail at 5:59 AM of you making dolphin sounds.
I'm either hallucinating or there is a dying cat outside my apartment....
God damn you Coronavirus! I'm jonesing I got the itch. I would fully satisfy a horse for some Taco Bell or Perkins. God help me I'm going insane but I definitely don't want to get sick.
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