I'm trying to bond with my sister... Its like getting to know a person I never met that I don't like
when im not freaking out about dying alone and unloved, i actually really enjoy being single
you were convinced campus grass and foliage would give you your daily serving of vegetables to balance out the amount of alcohol you drank.
someone shit in a solo cup and left it at the base of the stairs. fuck orlando dude.
We watched a biography of Frida Kahlo in class today. It was depressing. A chick with a UNIBROW just put my sex life to shame.
No, he will live forever, like cockroaches and Jack Bauer.
God damn. I'm really starting to resent babies. They're everywhere. Like fucking land mines.
We're going to shave my junk and take pictures of it wearing fake mustaches we found at the dollar store. They're uncannily realistic; much better than the cockstaches of my youth.
What's a good pandora station to masturbate to?
There are so many things that would come back to haunt me if I ran for President someday.
like that video of you mad stoned vomiting in the bdubs parking lot after going to a pizza buffet screaming how you needed to make room for froyo
Wat
OMFG "ASS" JUST STARTED PLAYING ON MY PHONE VIA PANDORA AS IM IN THE CAR WITH A CONGRESSMAN FUCKKKK
She tried to sing jingle balls while blowing me
hi I'm Emily and I thoroughly enjoy getting minors hammered.. I'll start my AA intro just like that.
Update: my mom just told someone to shut up and suck her dick
He’s got a big dick and a big ego. This could be fun
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