HOW IN THE HELL DID YOU BLOW A .24?????
We were watching I'm a celebrity get me out of here and taking shots every time heidi said HALLELUJAH, and started spraying her hair with that stupid dry shampoo shit....and we only watched the last half hour.
Mike and I just ate the lobster we found in the toilet
He doesn't need a wingman, he needs a miracle
Clearly I understand physics better when I'm on cocaine
Tim said I dropped my taco in a puddle and still ate it.
Aww. I feel like I need to kill a puppy just to make room in the world for how cute you are right now
Sorry I dragged you across a parking lot
I can't stream porn because Xbox live is taking all the Internet. I thought having a male roommate would make life easier.
Love is....waiting for your girl to throw up her shot in the bathroom...then handing her her beer. Game face.
You were spooning an empty magnum of white wine in the middle of the bed so I slept on the couch
Well at least there's no more confusion about your place in my life. Wine > pizza > your dick > the rest of you.
Love you...
Had to take him to the ER for not only alcohol poisoning but for stepping on a firecracker. Happy 4th holy fuck
I'm just gonna ride this ego train to sex town
I never thought I'd say this but there's too many dicks around here.
Can now check off "Start bar fight with my dad." on my bucket list.
He's a downgrade and it was quick. But it was dick nonetheless.
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