you left your dildo in my car
rules of finders keepers apply
Come home. Power Hour by yourself is only fun for the first 10 minutes.
she just took a shower. i'll probs go down on her to encourage shower taking. it's like pavlov, you know?
Please tell me that text was part of your elaborate Brett Favre costume; otherwise, dude, wtf?
Yeah but the gay hasidics turned out to actually just be real gay hasidics
You better not fucking die before we have sex while you blow fire. I'm serious. Don't mess up my sexual bucket list.
Believe it or not I'm actually not the only person sitting in the back of the train covered in glitter and drinking whiskey out of an arizona iced tea can. Small world.
I say go for the trifecta and maybe you'll get a medal or something. Or a baby. That's like the same thing right?
You called me and said "Aidan's unconscious" to which he said "I'm conscious, I'm conscious pilot"
He was filled with the holy spirit. And vodka.
Oh please not the Easy Cheese again. That was weird.
Reading old FB posts. Why did I ever stop drinking?
Yo if you blacked out last night, careful going through your purse. There's cocaine in a lollipop wrapper.
After he finished he sang his college fight song like it was some victory
I just remembered touching your bosses wife's fake tits last night. Thanks again for taking me to your work function.
Eventually I will start sleeping with people who actually want to hangout with me the next day... But not today
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