What did you want me to do? You know I don't like fat people. I'm an asshole to them sober it only gets worse when I'm drunk
That doesn't make it okay! You tried kicking the girl's mom out where we were having the party at!
You're always adorable, but when you're drunk, you're like Chia Pet adorable.
I bruised my spine.. Jungle gyms were clearly not meant for sex.
Absolutely. Last time I signed up for a softball league I had sex with my high school economics teacher.
We tried to line dance with everyone but it turned into drunken stumbling and attempting to grind on random frat boys. I feel that this might turn into an every Thursday thing.
Dude. Yeah. This is a game changer. I feel dirty and possibly pregnant and it hasn't happened yet.
Just come get me. Somewhere there's hobo that's going to want his dumpster back, and I kinda want to be gone when he discovers the vomit.
Even worse we were making a sex tape so our reaction to the condom breaking was recorded.
FYI, grandma is already drunk and using a bed sheet as a table cloth.
I should have bailed a long time ago. I mean, he has a bible verse-a-day app next to his dick pics in his phone.
My night ended with a French cab driver offering me his sperm free of cost.
you are like the bill nye of illicit activities
He turned down head in favor of a handjob. Not sure if he's crazy or i have magic hands
You'd be proud...I've an early morning wake up booty call...he should be here around 6am ish...I told him to wake me nicely.
You should probably come home from vacation now. I make badddd decisions when you're gone.
Randomize
