I called you to phone bone last night, but you were out with your boring friends playing video games
you hand the children out the window. i'll pour the drinks.
Why do you apologize after every time we have sex?
Well the party says they're going to have three kegs and four trampolines. I think I'm going to invite my EMT buddies just to be safe.
You then proceeded to tell me how good of a cook you were and put raw cookie dough in the champagne.
my longitudinal study of the long term effects of sloth and alchol-intake is nearly complete.
so you are graduating this semester.
Got a minor my first day of college from the bike police. I'm gonna like it here
I'm warming McDonald's pies on my heater cause I'm too high for the microwave.
Can I come by? I want you to meet my squirrel
did you just describe your masturbation session as "rad af??"
I woke up at 2 AM to find them in my living room with a radio flyer wagon full of milk glass plates and a Holstein cow. How am I going to explain this to my landlord!?!
He lives in a tent in my ex'd backyard. Why the fuck would you want any of that dirty dick?
Yeah. We're taking this fuck buddy relationship to the next level. Sober weekday sex.
Our love of vodka is more proof than a maternity test
Got everyone out of my house, somehow managed to put all my lawn furniture back, puked in my sink, and cleaned it up all while black out drunk before my parents came home. Successful night.
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