I don't know where your sunglasses are, I was too preoccupied with girls not old enough to drive past midnight.
My bra broke.... so I Macguyvered that shit together with floss
Do you think he woke up this morning, looked at you, and then regretted everything?
She's been drinking and was roller blading. I'm sure you can do the math
Idk wtf I would do on a date. I thought wed passed that stage at least for a while. Nowadays dates should consist of blackouts and shameful mistakes.
He puked in the funnel and continued to chug it. Who is this dude?
I had fun watching you interact with the world around you. Like a fuckin 8 year old kid who just discovered build a bear but really wants a cigarette.
The sun is gonna brush it's hairy dick across my forehead in the morning, gently whispering: "you're 4 hours late for work"
The next time you try to drunkenly strip me in public let's make sure it's not anywhere near the daiquiri factory or a group of police officers.
I desperately wanted to wear your shirt.
The ketchup exploded, and totally splooged his face and the wall. You could see the outline of his head in the wall splatter.
its one thing to be single and another thing to be single and then have your profile picture be of you and the cat
your picture is with misty too!!
I AM SINGLE BY CHOICE
Who looks around on a bright, sunny day and says, "you know what? Today I'm going to write gay dinosaur erotica"
I'm pretty sure the guy who was grinding on me while I was trying to get a drink at he bar was one of my tinder matches
I just did the math technically I'll be drunk until 2:30-3:00pm
Earlier today I was eating cookie dough from a tube, now I'm laying naked next to a hot guy watching Pawn Stars in between orgasms. You really can have it all.
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