i walked toward the cop car thinking it was the liquor store lights nd by that time it was too late to escape the trap
He's slept with 25.5 people. Wtf is a half?
there is no amount of schooling that prepares you for when your morbidly obese 45 year old patient tells you she has her clit pierced.
YOU NEED TO STOP BLOWING DUDES ON MY COUCH AT MY PARTIES
YOU NEED TO STOP PROVIDING TEQUILA AT YOUR PARTIES
Mark just took 50mg Viagra. Tonight should be interesting for the neighbors.
I can't feel my tongue. And that means go. Green means go. And you know what Barney says. Green means go and woah means no. DRIIIIINKK
I poured somre cereal, realized the chocolate to flake ratio was off, tried to fix it by digging through the box, gave up because of the difficulty level, and poured it back in the box. Being high is the best diet.
I currently need breakfast in bed, morning sex, and a bourbon and diet coke. Make this happen
All I found in my purse this morning was 160 cigarettes and a fistful of confetti.
just woke up on my patio with a mouse eating cheetos off mys chest. youre all assholes.
I think I just figured out how to make weed tea in the coffeemaker.
Dude you literally tried to cook your phone in the microwave. You were so wasted you asked your mom to help you turn it on.
On a scale of 0 to Thanksgiving, there is no amount of food that fights against tequila.
I just made my dating life into my own game show. would you like to meet the contestants? (photos not included)
our moms work together...I can just see the conversation now, hey your daughter ruined my sons marriage, that's probably how it will start.
Randomize
