my "about me" section on Facebook should read "hell-bound alcoholic who wants to fuck a 40-year-old crackhead"
I sold 10 pepperonis for 5 dollars last night....i fucking love drunk people
Before you become official, we should get a hotel room and fuck our brains out. Sort of like a going away party for your penis.
I told them the reason I passed out was because of "heat exhaustion." Not from showing up drunk. Good thing this is Arizona.
Dreamed I made out with a stranger after falling out of a car, let's make this happen tonight.
I was having trouble getting it up so she grabbed it and said "no, it's too big to fail"
I'm sitting in front of a fan naked drinking Gatorade. Motherfucking hangover probs
was I really that bad?
you army crawled across the kitchen floor, turned the cat into "super kitty" and crawled into the dog cage
We don't have paper towels so I microwaved a spinach/egg sandwich thingy wrapped in toilet paper. Toilet paper. so that's how my day started.
If my neighbors have super loud sex again tonight, I'm going to leave a ball-gag and roll of duct tape in their mail slot.
oh and apparently my boobs are named "have no fear" and "plenty o'beer"
But don't thank me for faking being asleep, if I was the real wing man, I would have left the bed
There is a fake eye lash glued to one of my balls.
Everyone is all excited about the iPhone 7 being water resistant and I'm only concerned with whether or not it can be destroyed by salsa or cum
My friend Julia's mom just called her to say she got a puzzle in the mail made of cheese and when she put it together it spelled FUCK YOU and she doesn't know who it's from.
Randomize
