She thought someone was breaking in but when I said it was me she got even angrier and threw a coffee mug at my head.
Apparently she came home completely covered in mud, pretending to be a bird...and she still had more sex than any of us this weekend.
He said i looked like a shooting star sprawled out on the floor while i puked and i kept blaming "senor cuervo" for doing me dirty.
Noooo. I told you she WAS a cancer. Not that she HAS cancer. This was the one time being a doctor didnt get you laid you alcoholic bastard
I think that last shot was nyquil. Please come gte me. WINGS.
How did "just two beers for happy hour" turn into naked backyard wrestling?
Anyhow, I am sorry for being obnoxious about wanting more sex and forcing you to eat lunchmeat off of my ginormous nipples. I knew that you weren't going to succumb to my pushy demands
I'll feed you vitamin c from my mouth this weekend. Like a baby bird.
Promise??
My phone autocorrects "pooping" to "popping" and I'm like DO YOU EVEN KNOW ME??!
On a unprofessional note, there's a new girl in photo.
That wasn't unprofessional. The fact that I'm going to fuck her is unprofessional.
Not my fault the fence refused to just break when I ran into it.
How many times have you told me to call 911 this week?
Lol twice
I really need to get to the point where I can poop at his house. I’ve taken three shits on the way home already.
Got so drunk I broke my sink in half. Not. Lying.
I just want to get high and watch Dr. Pimple Popper.
Randomize
