Gonna be late. Someone jumped in front of our train.
I have a drinking game planned. Were gunna watch empire records. Everytime they say rex manning we have to take a shot
Guy having heart attack in McDonalds. Classic.
I never thought I would say the free bottle of grey goose was the problem but it was
Just saw a woman with a Pomeranian in her bra. Way to step up your game Seattle.
Either I got the clap, or I masturbated with soap while I was sleeping.
Some guy in lab is humming along to a Sara Barrilles song. Or maybe I'm just hearing the song echoing in his huge, gaping vagina.
I recorded his orgasm, set it as his ringtone, and called him while they were singing happy birthday to his mom. Yeah, revenge is sweet.
i tried to propose to him with my nipple ring but i couldnt figure out how to take it out
When did i become the Rickety Cricket of my own life?
He texts me "just to say hi" and then tells me how hard he is and sends me a dick pic. And I'm like, dude, I'm ordering a burrito right now
I'm gonna try and get through this weekend sober, which is gonna be tough especially since I've already started drinking.
Walking into her house she felt something in her bra.... It was a used condom. Sadly enough this is not the first or last time it will happen. It's time for an intervention.
My hairdresser won’t do keratin treatments because of the toxins, but will put ecstasy up her butt at festivals...
I can’t tonight. I’ve got to see about a penis
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