I'm eating all of the evidence.
I enjoy that i have a whole shelf of clothes that I've accumulated from random sex. You know the ones you get to make the morning after look less awkward like similar to an athletes trophy shelf
I got lit on fire and andy went to jail last night. Totally unrelated incidents though.
I just threw up over a bridge. I didn't even know there was a bridge in this town. Vodka is like a transportation device.
Just your daily reminder that we're terrible people: the average number of men a woman sleeps with in their lifetime is 4
I got to the party and found your shoes in a bag of Funyuns. You weren't even there.
How do you tell an ex that banging less hot chicks than me is highly insulting? I almost want to try and get him laid with a pretty girl just to save some face for dating him so long.
I've been asked to reupholster their slam-couch so I found some off-cuts of medical-grade, hermetically sealed fabric. She'll be slammed upon for generations to come.
You know just a typical night. Eating peanut butter off of tablespoons and having sex to our favorite Christmas carols. This is my favorite time of year.
I have never thoroughly inspected the geometry of my nipples until now. How do I fix this?
I'll do my best. he just keeps yelling beer and doing dick helicopters
I'm eating year old chocolate from the trash can. It was in a ziploc bag but still, this is a new low. Help me.
I'll give you a blowjob in a Santa hat if it will put you in the Christmas spirit
His acid is intense dude. I was just over at his place laughing about the hole in the wall I was convinced was a cat
We put you in the box and you started to cry, that's how high you were.
Randomize
