seriously iPhone. stop autocorrecting all my fucks into ducks. you're making all my strong worded texts look harmless and adorable.
barbara walters just said penis...
gotta love it when a reminder comes up on your phone and u think u forgot about a meeting or something then u read it and its only to remind me to go to the titty bar at 3
Facials are how you say "I love you" in porn star.
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And this is weird.. I feel slightly less depressed after shitting myself.
I closed that bar. Sang every Beatles song in the book. Made Somoan friends.
she spent the whole night flailing her arms because "primates are the only species who can move their arms like that and we shouldn't waste it"
I love our strategizing... I wish we used the same passion for planning our lives and future that we use for planning our drunken escapades... We would both be doctors by now, I swear
At least I will not still be rolling when I pick up this animal. Thats a good development in five years
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I just wanted to let u know that I called the taco people and informed them what the fuck is up.
I was THIS CLOSE. But drunk me wanted to play those washboard abs with a spoon, like an actual washboard. Apparently that hurts, so I just squished it out at home alone.
I would just like to go ahead and accept my slut of the year award.
It's like 10 times better than an Oscar
I am all the way hung over and want nothing more in this world than a McMuffin. Happy day after Thanksgiving.
Drunk me also decided it would be funny to change all the passwords on my computer last night. Now I can't log into anything.
My brain is a dvd screensaver and I'm allowed to have a good thought when it hits the corner
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