On my way, I hope you have alcohol for me to blame stuff on...
Just farted in public and tried to sniff it all up before anyone noticed...do you think that actually works?
before you smothered your pizza in mayo you blotted it with a napkin saying you were trying to watch your fat intake
Just stole a pregnancy test from Wegmans because I didn't want to pay 13 dollars to find out my life is over.
Just once id like to sleep with a man who i havent thrown up on
he's from indiana, of course he's clueless about "g-spots"
Housing came buy and confiscated our shopping cart :(
Just got gas in my car for the first time while high. Went better than expected.
Ten minute nap on a staircase honey badger don't care
I love you. Mom got to wasted at the wedding that she threw up on my shirt.
trust me, you don't know shame until you're in a peacock costume getting CPR by random dudes
Ones vagina should not have the same slogan as a can of Pringles.
Ain't no cockblock like hearing the word"HOOODOOORR!" shouted from the bedroom floor while in the middle of sex.
The oven caught fire. I put it out, but called the fire department just to make sure it was okay since the smoke wasn't going away
You just wanted to meet firemen
Will u lay on an air mattress with me and drink vodka while we listen to Rick James?
Do you know who changed all my phone contacts into characters from Harry Potter?
He Who Must Not Be Named.
Fuck you.
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