I got three cases. When they asked for id I said it was suspended for drunk driving.
Had sex with the ex last night. Regretting to begin in 5, 4, 3, 2, 1... WHYYYYYYYYYY!
There are rumors he has a square penis....ill do anything though....
we've progressed from teabagging to lighting eachothers asses on fire. this cannot be a good path.
I thought I broke my iPhone. I was almost as depressed as the day I broke my vibrator.
There is a girl on the metro with no shoes and she's using a Crown Royal bag as a purse.
I transported a midget tonight. He got beat up by another, midgetier midget. Is it bad that this is what makes me feel compassion after 15 years of being a paramedic?
Midgetier?
Smaller, yet meaner.
you reached into a lemon drop to pull out a lemon of someone else's drink..
We found her. She's owling on the sink in the bathroom.
Also, horsecock action starts in about a month. Have you prepared yourself yet?
I spent a good part of the night in a bear hat claiming I'd changed spieces
Can I trade you chipotle for a pregnancy test?
Why did I wake up in bed with the ironing board and a Mariah Carey mask? Vodka hates me
You can come over but I have to warn you that it is naked Sunday.
Oh don't mind my cushion, I got plowed in the ass by a freight train last night
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