me and ur bf were arguing about whether coke was vegan. i really hope it's vegan
I need to find out who his wife is so I can fuck her before he gets to mine.
Why I am the classiest girl you know: just mixed drinks for everyone on the baby changing station at the movie theater.
You ran away and I found you three blocks later lying by a dumpster because "that's where your life belongs"
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I wish my new phone didn't autocorrect so well. People will never experience the magic of my drunk texts because they think I'm making a coherent statement.
if I hooked up with that creppy kkid in bio does that count as doing charity work during the holidays?
she bought me drinks at the bar, made me pizza at her place, gave me head, and then drove me home...i think i might propose
Well he told me I'd never be a wizard, and so I responded with you'll never have a big penis. After that we both just sat there and cried.
Sometimes he has weird facial hair...Basically he has a penis... that's what he's got going for him.
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Just walked out of my apartment and came face to face with a shirtless dude playing with his balls and trying to tie his shoes.
What part of I'm done do you not understand? Im not going to send you sex photos to prove I've moved on..
I still count it as showing your tits. Even though the wall was the only one who saw anything. Your boyfriend was pissed.
i meant to type that i went to that party for shits and giggles, but my phone corrected me and said for shots and goggles...either one works
Halfway through missionary I realized I was partially laying on his sleeping dog and idk that just kinda ruined it for me sooo
You WHAT?!?!
Paid. A. Homeless. Guy. To. Throw. A. Drink. In. Her. Face.
I fucking love you.
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