i lose more brain cells when ever she opens her mouth then i would doing meth for 8 years of my life.
Im only pretending to be his friend so I can sleep with his girlfriend.
I have a pocket in my purse that is just for condoms and cocktail swords. I feel like that speaks volumes about me as a person
I just saw an easily 300lb shirtless man on a Vespa. My day has been simultaneously made and ruined.
I asked her politely not to touch my dick
I'm not sure drinking my way through west nile virus is the best idea. Oh well, already committed to that plan.
He autographed my vag. This fuck just got authentic.
she sent me a picture of dilf asleep in bed with the caption "what happened last night?"
Package arrived for me from the gf while she's on vacation..under the bed bondage kit and new lingerie...my boner could drive to the airport
Sometimes I think about the fact that I lost my virginity while watching anime and I wonder what that says about me
Also. After puking outside of the bar last night, some guy (who saw me puking) said I looked like Jennifer Lawrence, called me J Law, got my number and is now texting me. Who knew puking and rallying would do me any good
The only people allowed to make me cry are myself and Chris Hemsworth as Thor. And me.
You're going to replace me with a robot made of heating blankets and a vibrator?
I told him to not try to hang out with me ever again and now I regret it Bc im bleeding through my uterus and just want him to suck on my aching nipples
Why were there just 3 inflatable bounce houses delivered to my house?
oh shit.
Randomize
