just had sex in his gielfriend's bed, and puked all over it. i need to get out of here.
i have a strong feeling i fucked one of the waiters here...
judging by the pasta sauce and dirty pans i spent my blackout being emeril
& he told me 'I don't think ur a big slut-just kind of an average slut'
HE THINKS THATS A COMPLIMENT!!!!!
Fourth time I had to be woken up in the line of Whataburger in two weeks. First time my shirt was free of vomit.
It's like I'm in a vicious cycle of noncommittal penis.
Why is there bacon braided in my hair
He put himself in the friend zone by calling me dude all night so I blew his friend. Judge me.
What happened to the good old days when we whispered the words beer pong and people came running?
He walked in at 7am saying that the police had his shoes and phone because he's being investigated for attempted auto theft.
We don't have paper towels so I microwaved a spinach/egg sandwich thingy wrapped in toilet paper. Toilet paper. so that's how my day started.
I am drinking fireball and apple juice out of a sippy cup like a fucking toddler.
I fell asleep while eating jimmy johns last night and then woke up at 5am and continued to eat it
I knew it was you who came home last night because no one else would walk in at 3 am and start microwaving a burrito
I just found a baklava I forgot I got last night so we can call it a day
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