I wish we could go back in time and find our best farts ever
I was thinking about him in the shower then i get out of the shower and there was a text from him
its like he has a camera inside of my shower that looks into my brain
Do you ever think God made girls unattractive around their periods as a warning?
you're bored at work aren't you?
I'm toying with the idea of beating off under my desk
You did not just nickname me "Nipples".
We need to get her some penis inspired head protection.
So they're giving me a CT scan because I probably have a hernia. From getting a BJ from you. Really. This may be a pivotal moment in my decision to write a book about my life
Please know that I fully expect you to help me steal a bed if I have a bad breakup.
He was banging holes in the kitchen wall with pots. They tried to pull him away but only managed to pants him. He kept "drumming".
He looked down at his phone and screamed "I'M NOT A DAD!" and then bought the entire bar a round
I just had some guy offer to eat me out on my lunch break... I think single life is getting better everyday
I have a huge bruise on my thigh that I am 95% sure is due to you repeatedly throwing me over couches.
Someone came in the potted fern
I'm giving random strangers at the bar sips of my fishbowl, then telling them I have Ebola. It's a fun night.
I don't know why, but whenever I shave my balls I feel more aerodynamic.
Randomize
