Just FYI I rubbed poison oak on all your sheets and blankets so we all will know who you hooked up with (in about a day)
if i found out she had a dick after i got head, does that still make me gay?
This frat boy drinking a forty and wearing a pussy patrol shirt just ran out in front of my car. I should have used less brakes.
It's a Lindsey's Going to Jail Theme party.
I meant to tell you earlier: bad life decision saturday has been moved wednesday this week
I'm texting you from across the beer pong table to tell you that the drunk chick you brought over needs to disappear. like now.
im calling her cock vulture from now on
If he thought that flying across an ocean to visit me in London constituted sex, he thought wrong.
I imagine her to be like a 19th century explorer/adventurer with different boys' hearts on her wall like animal heads
Like Teddy Roosevelt
Yeah, if you don't like strip clubs you won't like microwave chimichangas.
I spent most of the night trying to drink out of three bottles of beer at once. I don't have to be told the reasons I'm single
I'm staying at his house to solve the homeless situation. There's a freezer bag of weed in the fridge. He doesn't know it's there, and he's not missing it so I may have an income soon.
What is it with the dog running away when we have epic hangovers
I made my uber driver take a pit stop between clubs so we could restock on Xanax. #priorities
The sex would be better if it wasn’t interrupted because his home detention ankle monitor needed charging. At least I know he’s not cheating on me
Do you even hear yourself?
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