i cant even explain all the reasons why i dont want to fuck you right now.
Swine flu is the new snow day.
No, the weekend was great. It was the waking up in the pond in the raft without an oar that sucked. That fucking water is cold at 7am.
I wish they'd wear their tampons on the outside. At least gimme some warning
STOP TELLING PEOPLE I PEED ON YOU
you said "how could you not want to hook up with me when I have these abs" and then proceeded to rip your shirt off in the middle of the bar. I'm pretty sure you were hammered.
JESUS
Dumb decision of the night...walking home drunk and smelling my pepper spray
You called me last night and said you had a vision that a cat made you a sandwich. You were tripping way too hard
Awwww breaks my heart, I just wanna fix his teeth and give him a blowjob.
Moral of the story: next time my plans include you and bourbon, I'm packing a toothbrush.
Well, I can't remember Thursday and my left ass cheek hurts like hell, I'm guessing Mike's bachelor party was a success.
Holy shit dude........stairs
Text me some of your sweat
you better come over.. I need a witness to help prove the couch talks to me
I finally realized he drank way too much when he tried serenading me to the song "come my lady" while slowly and creepily making his way toward me...keeping constant eye contact.
Randomize
