If Ritalin and Plan B had an illegitimate child it would smell like me.
sometimes i think my sole purpose in life is to cockblock my roommate
The guys had to come into the bar bathroom and pep talk us all off the floor
when i went to the store to buy my pregnancy test they were giving carnations to all the moms and they gave me one and said "just in case"
Yea idk it was like early in the morning and you were walking around with no shoes carrying a printer
She kept saying the tortilla understood her. I honestly don't know where she found a tortilla at the pool.
He pointed at some girls and said "I'm gonna have sex with them girls over there", and disappeared.
omg i just made best friends with a deer. Im like the drunk santa clause.
hey fuckhead. when i said not to grow shrooms in our apartment, that didn't mean "yea, sure. grow shrooms in our apartment"
Can we just talk about how awesome I am. I just slept with a new guy while listening to the previous guys bands cd.
Did you send me a snapchat of your sister triple kissing two other girls?!!! You might be the greatest friend the world ever made
Whatever, you're gonna have to break it to mom that the reason I was so drunk at Christmas dinner is because she wouldn't stop asking me why I don't have a boyfriend
Maverick's sitting in jail wearing a turkey costume and I am soooo jealous.
Ik youre sleeping but fyi its 5:32am I'm sitting in the middle of the road bra less and shoeless with boxers in my hand and no ride. Shits real crazy.
A dozen naked frat boys in squirrel masks just ran by. Welcome to the official start of the holidays.
Randomize
