I just googled "whats above a trillion", thats how busy I am at work.
Hes a 32 yr old divorced sailor that calls me almost every night drunk begging me to call him big daddy. I think i might need to change my number.
Guess who got arrested for public drunkiness, and called jimmy johns for the entire station last night instead of someone to bail me out? The cop that arrested me drove me home. Win.
Id like to know where dora the explorers parents are when she goes on all these crazy ass adventures
Walking back from greek row alone at 3:30am in a child's kangaroo suit...not my proudest moment
you tried to fill your inhaler with vodka
Dude..this is the third year in a row me and him have fucked at a super bowl party..does that count as a tradition?
Hey, please tell me that you and dad are having actual steaks tonight and I did not just get sexted by my dad
I don't care how much you're grieving a loss, masturbating off the side of a roof is not acceptable mourning behavior.
this whole "benign brain tumor" is truly a blessing in disguise. I almost want to start bringing MRIs to the bar because sympathy pussy is flowing like the nile
So I should just walk in, look him in the eye and say, "I just came to fuck your brother, nice to meet you" and just walk to your room.
I learned that I order a bunch of dollar shots at the bar and once it's ready turned around and say "who wants pay?" And someone will pay
I know he's married but I don't know how else to show sympathy! Nudes are my only emotional currency.
Um that's okay I got up on the table at IHOP and terrorized the entire restaurant for a phone charger after I stole the whip cream from the kitchen and started eating it out the can
WTF DOES CAROLINE HAVE GLASS IN HER FACE
Randomize
