Midget sex pt 2 tonight
thanks for house sitting, cat must be hiding again... everything go ok?
... about that ...
I think horse shit smells the best of all shits.
So the "just a friend" kid confessed his love for me...sometimes I hate how awesome I am.
So gin and wine won't be happening again
Last time I stayed at my moms my fucking car got set on fire sooo maybe I should think this through.
Its really bad when you fall asleep at a stop light outside the hotel and you wake up to a small spanish limo driver knocking on your window to tell you it's a green light
At the ER. Dropped bottle lead to cut foot which led to me drunk hitting on doctors. Not going well.
I think winning the long island race means you lose at life
I caught her walking around with a fake mustache, wearing a sombrero and holding an empty carton of milk. She's a hopeless cause.
I was so high I told him we should rub faces and pretend to be wombats. He was surprisingly enthusiastic about it.
Hey I'm not sure why your jacket's covered in maple syrup but I just realized you didn't leave the house earlier wearing a jacket...
Some girl at my gym just tried to casually drop the fact she can kegel 3 lbs...
It took me three days, but I managed to nearly get arrested on my way out of LA. Made it to the airport. Crisis averted, though. The real crime is, my flight is delayed two hours.
My Dachshund waddled into the room carrying a rolled-up pad in her mouth with period blood. This day is clearly off to a good start.
Randomize
